Rangers ended last season with the glaringly obvious problem of a need for defensive reinforcements and alternatives at centre-back. It's now two days before the league season kicks off, and we've signed Clint Hill, someone who is old and not very good.
There was a case to suggest that maybe our defenders were actually good, maybe they just needed a more solid midfield in front of them, maybe they just needed a calm head and a bit of help. GTBFO will freely admit that we were at the forefront of this argument. Unfortunately, it's turned out to be shite. Rob Kiernan is just not very good. And, it turns out, neither is Clint Hill. He is, as we feared, old and bad.
But it was a nice idea in theory, so maybe we shouldn't stray too far from it when we're looking at who the last piece of the defensive puzzle should be. Let's have a look at some alternative Hills who could play in our back four.
Hill seems an obvious choice to fill Hill's role at the centre of Rangers' defence, but much like Hill, Hill's best days are somewhat behind him. Despite that, Hill never quite matched the heights of Hill during his TV Burp days, so there is simply a difference in class here which would surely shine through. One for Mr Warburton to consider.
Hill may not be any more youthful than Hill, or in much better shape, but would at least help to sell shirts and build brand awareness in the U.S.A. as millions of fans of the TV show tuned in to see his exploits for Rangers. Unfortunately, Hill is a fictional character who does not actually exist in real life, meaning that he might be better suited as an alternative to John Eustace.
An intriguing choice. Hill is not only comparatively young, but would also be a cheap option for the board after the actor revealed he was only paid $60,000 for his excellent supporting performance in Martin Scorsese's The Wolf of Wall Street. The clear frontrunner.
The bookmaker may have been dead for a number of decades, but still manages to offer excellent deals on a wide variety of markets*, showing that age is only a number and longevity is a state of mind.
The Democratic Party candidate for the 2016 United States Presidential Election is a bit of a long shot for Mark Warburton to acquire, but if Niko Kranjcar can be persuaded to head across the pond, you never know. The move would also pave the way for a victory for a Donald Trump presidency, leading to more opportunities to sign MLS-based players in the future as they fled their terrifying future.
Hill, situated in Price County, Wisconsin, boasts a population of 364 and takes its imaginative name from its location at the highest point in the Dairy State. Such an addition would greatly boost numbers and height in our defence, and would only be marginally less mobile than our current centre-backs.
The Hill Differential Equation
Alright, you get the idea. Get someone signed, Warbs, for fuck's sake.
*Can you believe this isn't even an advert?