Morning, fellow Elect. The weekend's not as good without the Rangers, is it? Monday night is no time for football, and we can't be like that shower down south when it comes to protesting TV companies. Not just because we've had bigger things to worry about at Rangers, but some "FOOTBALL IS FOR THE FANS - SKY OUT OF OUR GAME - AGAINST MODERN FOOTBALL" banners would last until the precise point Sky said "Oh, thanks, we've been waiting for that for years. Good luck!" And "COME BACK SKY - WE WERE HAPPY WITH AN EIGHTIETH OF WHAT BOURNEMOUTH GET, HONESTLY, WE'LL TAKE A NINETIETH, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE US, GARY HARKINS IS AVAILABLE ON A FREE AND WE'RE AFRAID OUR MANAGER'S THINKING ABOUT IT - WE LOVE MODERN FOOTBALL" banners would not be a good look.
As evidenced by the hundreds of "noone cares joke league" replies to literally any time the Sky Sports Twitter account mentions anything happening North of the border, we're having a hard time selling the game. Hearts-Aberdeen could finish 103-102 and it would struggle to raise an eyebrow south of Hadrian's Wall. The problem is that all the daft ideas suggested are implemented in such a half-arsed manner. Summer football might be a disaster, but so what? We could always go back. Friday night football for TV? Make ALL football Friday night football. If there's a country for it, Scotland would be it. Make every away trip to Dingwall a weekend and boost the clubbing scene in the Highlands. We could even appeal to the nanny-state tendencies of the Scottish government - it'll take up valuable pre-drinking time. Let's try it. Even folk who live in Greenock are disappointed to find themselves in Greenock on a Monday evening.
Aye, here's the bit where you realise the lengthy intro was merely padding in lieu of actual news. Warburton's been speaking about the m(/h, delete as appropriate)edia in Scotland, and the atmosphere it creates.
GTBFO is ideologically opposed to statistics, on which it blames road accidents, teenage pregnancies, and people who think Michael Carrick is a brilliant footballer as opposed to an overpaid lazy spineless Geordie donkey. Despite that, some of you may be interested to hear this analysis of our corners, because while we hate statistics, we also hate the Ibrox over-45s struggling to adapt to Warburtonball yelling "GET IT IN THE BOX" as soon as Rangers disembark from the team bus.
We're still sticking by our info that Rangers want him, he wants Rangers, and the clubs are close, by the way. We expect him to be a Rangers player by the end of the week. But MacLean here is stating his surprise that Celtic aren't involved. Why? We know the answer. Because they're looking out for us, and their pockets, and the Scottish game that all suffer from a lack of us. Just like the Celtic fans who are all keen to warn us about Dave King being a sort of reverse Secret Millionaire, they're doing it because they want us to be successful and happy (Anthony Stokes is a deliberate ploy to lead Jason Cummings astray and get himself sent off 2 minutes into the next game against us.)
Staunch ad placement of the week
Happy Whisky Christmas
Have a good one the night. We probably should've done some grand epic poem in Scots relating to the club and our rivals as the theme, but we forgot what day it was until just coming to this wee end bit here and it's late and we cannae be arsed now. Burns Night always seems to be one of those weird holidays, like Hogmanay, that comes at a terrible time of year when nobody except those Nazis with things like jobs or mortgages or a vague sense of direction in life have things together and can afford to do anything, so it'll be a low-key affair at GTBFO Towers, presently and reluctantly located in England as it is.
That needn't be the case for you, of course. Celebrate the night by remaining true to the spirit and culture of our proud nation, which you can also do by emulating Burns himself, making pious half-informed statements about democracy and liberalism before getting pished, reverting to maudlin sad romanticism and shagging something, just to prove that ultimately, no matter what happens, you will remain Scottish, and will by various misconceptions and stereotypes therefore be widely considered to be several orders of magnitude more shaggable than you really deserve to be.
Here's our departed friends, Bilel Mohsni and Seb Faure (and Nicky Law and Fraser Aird) with a sorry rendition of GTBFO's favourite Burns poem, Tae a Moose: