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Afternoon, brothers. What? Aye, it's a lunchtime roundup. We're not made of writing, you know. Especially in the post-transfer-window fug of desperate editors trying to find stories. The simple truth is there's not much happening, and that's exacerbated by midweek football. It might surprise you, but hits actually go down when there's real football being played. If Rangers really had died and never played another game again this would be the most popular site on the internet. So at least that's a nice silver lining for when Admin 2 finally rears its ugly head.
Anyway, here's a few things we've gathered. Dig in.
Highlights from last night's game
Well, there weren't many of them, but you can relive our gallant triumph over Rovers here.
Coisty speaks... about East Kilbride
We wonder when he's going to actually open upon everything that happened. He's in the press today talking some nonsense about the Celtic cup-tie. Coisty, of course, is regularly spotted in venues in East Kilbride, although he doesn't appear to have suffered for the lack of football stadia.
Jig will be Killie manager on Saturday
And not Billy Davies. Let's hope he picks himself.
Dismal gossip
Which former Ranger's fabled antics have so alienated his kin that he had to rely on the charity of a Celtic-supporting mate to be taken in on Christmas day?
Ryan Giggs won't take over at Celtic
We thought this rumour was too daft to be true, and it appears to basically have been a bookie-orchestrated scam. Are Celtic, a family club, honestly likely to employ a manager guilty of such public infidelity? It'd never happen.
Scotland records highest alcohol-related deaths in the UK
Prompting, predictably, "calls for action", rather than "calls to realise that all the draconian shite we've already done is quite clearly doing no good whatsoever." Turns out you can't solve a complex, multi-layered problem by just not letting folk buy drink after ten and IDing everybody who wasn't old enough to have fought at the Battle of Jutland.
This policy never struck GTBFO as logical in the first place - surely 10:30pm is a perfectly reasonable time for a normal, law-abiding citizen to be buying alcohol? Aren't dedicated alkies more likely to have done their duties for the day and have passed out in a gutter by then? Surely it would make more sense to ban alcohol sales at 10am?
Perhaps these laws would make more sense if the people writing them did actually have to live all the time in, say, Alloa, or Portree, and see what other activities they can find to whittle away the dark winter hours. There's not anything else to do in half the country, and it'll probably stay like that, since we're too serious-minded to have our national albatross replaced by a bowling alley or whatever it is other countries do. For a nation whose two main character flaws are violence and intolerance, the drink surprisingly helps take the edge off more than it exacerbates it. Why? Because we're good at it! We're used to it! Open the pubs and off-licenses all night. Let a thousand flowers bloom.