Outrage as Hogmanay scheduled to clash with Old Firm game

There was outrage in Glasgow today as it was announced that Hogmanay will be scheduled for the 31st of December, clashing with traditional Old Firm celebrations.

Celtic and Rangers fans have questioned the move, fearing that the presence of casual Hogmanay drinkers unused to pub etiquette will flood Glasgow City Centre and ruin the traditional hate-filled sectarian celebrations and casual violence often enjoyed by revellers at the time.

"The Old Firm is a great Scottish tradition and a time for everybody to be involved. We simply don’t want it to be ruined by the presence of casual Hogmanay drinkers in pubs, going into Steps and asking for elderflower cider and taking family photos", complained one fan. "Why can’t they just have it on another day?"

Bar owners were none too pleased by the announcement, either. One pub owner, who did not wish to be named, stated: "I realise it’s only a small minority of these people who cause trouble, and do things like demanding to know the recommendation of temporary bar staff about whiskies older than they are, and asking for the price of every lager, but it only takes a few to spoil it for everybody."

The Old Firm clash is a key part of Scottish culture and is estimated to be worth millions to the local economy. Business owners were also quick to condemn the move, criticising "a lack of foresight" over the plans.

"Much like the pubs, we do an excellent trade at this time of year with people in a mad rush to get mad wae it before lunchtime and then continue to drink heavily throughout the day to cope with defeat or celebrate a victory. Old Firm fans are used to this time of year and respect how busy we are by simply buying as much alcohol as it is physically possible to consume. That money keeps us going through the leaner months - if they did this every year, I’m not sure this shop would survive", said one off-licence owner.

However, amid calls for Hogmanay to be rescheduled, Police Scotland stated: "We decided to treat everybody like adults for once, but we expect some dweeb from the SNP or something will start whinging about it in parliament to get his face in the Daily Record, so I’m sure we’ll be able to treat you like weans again by the time it actually comes round."